The very last letter Mutti wrote to me, her youngest son Peter, was dated December 16, 1985. She was 86. After that day the spring of many stories, many thoughts, many emotions suddenly fell silent. I spoke to Mutti one last time on January 2, 1986. She was in the hospital. She had pneumonia. It was a tender visit. Parting was painful, very painful and very permanent. Mutti is the endearing German word for Mother.
Instead of the wrinkles of old age and stooped shoulders, I like to remember my Mother as the beautiful little girl of about three or four pictured here. At the end of this tribute there is another picture of Mutti when she was much older, but equally beautiful. Like so many lives, her life was hard; nevertheless, with the help of her Lord and Savior, she was able to leave a legacy that will inspire others to finish their race with dignity.
This tribute is a biographical and autobiographical sketch of a little Jewish lady, barely five feet tall who by the grace of God survived the persecution of Jewish people who lived in Germany during World War Two. She wrote many letters, especially toward the end of her life. She hoped that her last and very long letters would help others, but especially her four children, remember her the way she hoped to be remembered. The letters included here were never mailed to her children but were placed into my hands after she died.
An entire volume could be written about this woman we all loved and called Mutti. She was a little Jewish giant, full of love, full of faith, full of fear and full of tenacity and determined to finish her life with dignity with Jesus’ help.
Mutti is and always was very beautiful; but her rare and real beauty and strength was most visible to me when her earthly garments became tattered and torn. Her letters tell her story, a story of tragedy, of pain, of tears and triumphs. Many stories are fairy tales. This one is not. It may take more than one reading of to glean the many pearls of wisdom and victories in and between the lines. This tribute has been dowsed with many tears – my tears, her youngest son Peter.
We, who call ourselves civilized and cultured, have pushed many of our parents and older saints aside. We give them only the remnants of our time, our attention and our love. May that change with this story.
Our friend, John Christopher White, woodcarver and poet, expresses my heart and God’s heart, I am sure. In these beautiful and sobering words and this picture we hear the silent plea of the older and often forgotten saints to which this writer and his wife Rebekah now belong. John Christopher has published his art and writings in a book titled: “Expressions in Wood.” The poem “God’s Withered Rose” is accompanied by with these words of introduction:
“I call this piece ‘God’s Withered Rose’ because I want the elderly to know that despite the often cruel and heartless treatment our society mandates the younger citizens should give to our senior, the aged are still exceedingly precious in the eyes of God. They are still His, much loved, wept over, and tenderly held in His majestic hands. Why do we buy the lies that devalue the worth of the objects of God’s love? What value system dare place comfort, convenience or time above a human soul? May I suggest a very devilish system is in operation in our hearts – a hellish factory of lies produced in a region of our hearts guarded viciously by pride, selfishness and a host of hell with their arsenal of apathy, greed and willful blindness.
“If anger seems to leap off this page, it is because I too am infected with this leaven, and it hurts to see my apathy evidenced through my actions. I desire a change, a solution to the lies that are eating away at mankind, killing the innocent at both ends of the spectrum of life.
“I think we all know in our hearts the truth: God is no respecter of persons; the elderly are still our ‘neighbors.’ We are commanded to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself’ (Matthew 22:39). We have basic emotional needs in addition to the physical. For the elderly, the hearts’ needs are unmet. You see, we all need to be valued, approved of and accepted, but these three needs we cannot meet by ourselves. They must come through others. Our society has conditioned us to be so busy seeking these blessings that we miss the avenue of truly receiving them: the giving of the same to others. The second reason for making this sculpture is, as you may have guessed, to exhort you to realize that there is not one emotional need we have that is not shared in equal intensity by those weathered pilgrims further down the path we walk. Ask the One who died for them how to let them know you see; then, more importantly, act and respond to their pleas for love.” (James 1-21-27 and Matthew 25:31-46)
“God’s Withered Rose”
I’m not a rose so withered
that my heart can no more ache,
nor have I ceased to will to give
though it’s now my lot to take.
For time has done its number
on my old and dying shell,
but still inside this framework
is a person, can’t you tell?
A person who once laughed and played
in the sunshine of my youth,
loved and had a family,
raised them in the Truth.
The joys I shared in friendships,
the sorrows shared in loss,
I still desire to share again,
though that avenue seems lost.
I’m in prison – could you visit me?
just let me know you see,
that despite my feeble dying frame,
it’s still worthwhile to know me.
To be able to understand and appreciate the letters that I have selected from a shoebox full of many, a short biography of Mutti’s life will be helpful.
Mutti was born on July 13, 1899 in Atlantic City, New Jersey. Her maiden name was Niclas. Her Mother’s maiden name was Johanna Fisher. With great reluctance did her Jewish parents allow her to marry a gentile, my Father, who was born in Germany into a traditional Lutheran family. He preceded her in death on October 5, 1982 at the age of 91. She became a widow after 63 years of marriage. She married my Father in New York City in 1919 and shortly thereafter moved to Germany. Her husband, my Father, established a thriving export – import business in Bremen.
My parents had four children, Ruth, Born in 1922 was the oldest; Sonja born in 1924 was the second oldest; my brother Hellmut was born in 1931 and myself, the youngest, was born in 1933.
My Father retired from his business in 1931 the age of 40 and moved to the little town of Bensheim near Heidelberg to plant a family orchard. Soon time was a heavy on his hands and he added the building of homes to his daily schedule. Word War Two interrupted his plans in 1939 and forced him and the whole family to return to Bremen. Having to leave our home in Bensheim was like leaving paradise. I have felt like a pilgrim ever since, yearning to be a part of a small community and the soil.
Not until the Second World War was over did I realize that there was a terrible conflict between Jews and gentiles in Germany. I remember standing one day in front of a Jewish synagogue and watching it burn to the ground. I was only five or six. I was listening to conversations of those watching the synagogue burn to the ground. I could not comprehend what they said.
One day my brother and I were hurriedly brought to my Grandmother’s house to live. We called her “Oma.” We were told that there was an accident and that my parents were involved. My parents recovered, but Mutti sustained a crippled right hand, quite useless for most ordinary tasks.
After “the accident” the music room became like a museum. Mutti’s children and her Steinway Baby Grand piano had been the great loves of her life. The Steinway was put into storage and was never recovered. I learned to sew, to iron, to clean vegetables and cut Mutti’s nails.
Not until after the war was over I was told what had really happened. Our parents had attempted a joint suicide to erase our family lineage. My brother and I had no idea that Mutti was Jewish. Neither were we old enough to comprehend the implications of having a Jewish mother. I have the details of the tragic accident in Mutti’s own handwriting. But they are too painful to share. I have been unable to bring myself to read the full account.
In 1946 Mutti, my brother Hellmut and I immigrated to America. Mutti, with much difficulty, had retained her American citizenship. We had therefore a preferred immigration status and were able to come to America ahead of many others who wanted to leave a war-torn country.
Mutti had never needed to work outside the home. Mutti’s focus had been her children and her music. A live-in maid and nanny took care of all hard and complicated chores. Suddenly Mutti had to support two boys in New York City, ages 13 and 15. She had no previous work experience to offer to an employer. But at this point the tenacity of Mutti surfaced. She obtained a job as a filing clerk for 25 dollars a week. With a little assistance from friends, my older brother – a hard worker, and the church, we managed to survive until my Father was able to immigrate two years later. He started at the bottom of the pay scale, mixing compounds for dentures as his first job. Neither of my parents ever complained. They were grateful to be alive and grateful for the opportunity to begin a new life in America.
Mutti worked for almost twenty years in Los Angeles for an insurance company before she retired. Her work, her children and her books filled her life. She even bought another baby grand piano and learned to play piano all over again; but this time with only six fingers.
Mutti was a very moral, a very honest, a very giving and forgiving person. She was also very loyal. A few of her friendships covered a span of fifty years. Her two closest friends were Catholic. They introduced her to Jesus and to many of the saints of the Church. I became the beneficiary of these friendships and chose St. Francis of Assisi as my role mode at an early age.
My parents sampled every religion in the world and encouraged their children to do likewise. They were hungry for God and looked for Him in many different places. Many of them led them and the rest of the family astray. I followed in my parents’ footsteps as I have already chronicled in “The Wood Blossom” which has been renamed “To Hell and Back.” Finally and by the grace of God, I emerged out of my confusion with the firm knowledge that Jesus was and is indeed God. My Mother, towards the end of her life, was graced with the same revelation and was able let go of the many other gods that had influenced and shaped her life. One day she said “YES” to Jesus as the only One to follow.
My enthusiasm for writing is a gift from Mutti. While serving in the US Army in my early twenties, I frequently corresponded with my parents. Mutti always and quickly responded which encouraged me to keep on writing. Over a two-year period I wrote some 200 letter and cards that Mutti lovingly copied on her typewriter and preserved in neat folders. They can be read on our web site www.stretcherbears.com under the title, “Letters from a Soldier”. They are a record of a young man searching for meaning and purpose in life.
Twenty-five years later when distance once again separated us, an active correspondence with Mutti added more letters to these files. They are a window into the lives of two souls searching for healing and meaning in life. I had planned to include many of them in the updated and enlarged edition of “To Hell and Back”. This task is still waiting to be done.
Until Jesus became Mutti’s principal healer and teacher, medical doctors played a significant role in her life. Aches and pains significantly increased after she retired; and a trip to the doctor was a frequent event. Headaches and digestive disorders were her principal problems. She also slept poorly and seldom. She made friends and confidants out of every doctor. Pain pills, sleeping pills and digestive aids began to fill her medicine cabinet and shoe boxes. Mutti always stocked extra of everything. But every pill seemed to have some negative price tag. One pill might reduce pain, but cause her to become more agitated. Another pill might calm her down, but cause her digestion to become sluggish. The perfect blend of medication was never found.
Anxiety attacks, fear, restlessness, sleepless nights, digestive problems and pain became more acute and more frequent as time went on. Mutti, who had always been total honest, developed schemes to trick doctors into giving her extra prescriptions. When I questioned her about this she would become belligerent and agitated. It became a contest of wits and wills. How does one pry open the hands of someone who clutches their medication for dear life?
One day I was given the key. I read these words to Mutti from the Book of Revelation, chapter 3, “Hold tight to the little strength you have so that no one will take your crown.” When I explained to Mutti that her mind was like a crown which she was destroying with all the drugs she was taking, something clicked. I made a poster for her with a crown and those words and placed it by her bed. This challenged her to fight for her life and sanity without the use of drugs. The reader will sense the awesome struggle in almost every one of her letters. This is not a unique battle for many – both young and old.
Mutti fought a valiant battle and was eventually able to let the garbage collector pick up her shoebox full of pills. The Bible became her main source of strength. She speaks frequently of the release of pain accompanied by the presence of the Holy Spirit. Only those who have experienced His presence know how wonderful He is. I speak with confidence when I say that no drug in this world is a substitute for the wonderful presence and healing power of the Holy Spirit.
The Holy Spirit serves and blesses us in a variety of ways. One of these is as a witness of the Truth. As we hear or read certain words we may suddenly realize in our innermost being that a truth was revealed to us and it was intended for us. One particular letter dated August 10, 1985 provided Mutti with clear direction and fresh courage. The Holy Spirit was exceptionally real to her as she read and reread the letter. I remember the words pouring out of me like a laser beam on a blank piece of paper. If these words are intended for a particular reader, there will be that clear acknowledgement or witness, “This is for me,” or “this is for ___________,” and a particular name will come to mind.
These are the words which helped Mutti more than any pill she ever took:
Mutti slept little and poorly. Her mind was always very active. She had many thoughts and prayers streaming through her mind and heart. Her children and friends were the beneficiaries of most of them. When physical pain and restlessness would not allow her to sleep, she would sit at her typewriter and share her thoughts. Mutti’s letters are a diary of her thoughts, her emotions, her spiritual battles and the many aches and pains associated with an aging body.
Mutti could have dulled her mind and emotions with more and more drugs, but instead she chose to leave for us a legacy of many letters that allow us to share her very rich and private world. Before you enter it I beg of you, my reader-friend, to remove your shoes, to leave criticism and prejudices outside the sanctuary. I ask you to ponder instead of analyzing or judging what you read. There are a million others like Mutti who cannot sleep at night and who need our love and prayers. I ask you to place this story into their hands before they fall asleep forever.
Mutti writes frequently about the visitation of the Holy Spirit. She writes how she desired for the Holy Spirit to come and how she was renewed by His presence. Not everyone has met this “Gentle Friend and Teacher,” the third person of the Holy Trinity. I ask you therefore to ponder and not challenge the reality of the Holy Spirit. For many years He was also a stranger to me. But today I could not survive without His presence. He dissolves ever so gently the vise-like grip that binds us to our earthly pursuits and traditions. He helps to prepare the pilgrim for a new reality, a better reality, the reality of living in the House of the Lord forever.
The reader will be able to sense Mutti approaching the finish line of life. Her work was done. Her life was poured out. Her desire to continue to battle was gone. Her desire to “catch the train” for home was strong. It appears that there was little fear connected with death towards the end.
We who are left behind can only poorly comprehend the dying process. We challenge and encourage our veteran saints to live when they often beg us to allow them to die. They often plead for our permission to die! How often do we hold onto a loved one because of our own vague selfish needs? We can help someone to die, to fall asleep in the waiting arms of Jesus, when we gracefully tell them good-bye. Those who have surrendered their lives to Jesus can shout with certainty, “Oh death, where is thy sting? Oh grave, where is thy victory?”
I have changed very little in the letters you are about to read. It appears that for emphasis Mutti frequently capitalized words, phrases and sentences. Instead of periods or commas, there are many dashes. There were few paragraph breaks; but I have taken liberty to indicate paragraphs to make her letters easier to read. As her strength was waning, there were more and more unfinished thoughts and sentences. She also skipped more and more frequently from one subject to another when pain and exhaustion overwhelmed her. I have translated a few German phrases into English. I made these changes only reluctantly. I did not want the real and beautiful person to be compromised. Neither did I want the battle of shedding our earthly garment to be distorted. Mutti does not need makeup or editing to be more beautiful. I want her to be remembered as she was and is.
As I read her letters once more and type them for this tribute, my eyes are being opened and filled with tears. I see her great desire to resolve all conflict and place a benediction upon all her children and friends. I see her valiant effort to continuously fill her thoughts with truth and beauty. I see her valiant struggle to rule over her thoughts and emotions and not allow herself to be ruled by them. I see the corrosive spirit of death and pain take advantage of a frail body. I see the desire to hold on and go on diminish and evaporate.
I plead with those who are called to attend to the needs of our dying saints, “Do not prolong their agony or violate their wish to be released from a worn out garment of flesh. If they have never found Jesus as the Door to their Eternity, help them to open that door and walk through it. Quietly sit at the edge of their bed and witness the miracle of their home-going. Do not block their exit by keeping a body alive when the soul is eager to depart.
Autobiographical Sketch of Mutti’s Soul
In order to understand Mutti’s letters, an explanation of names she uses warrant explanation:
Harry is the given first name of my Father whom we always called “Papa.”
Ruth and Sonja are my older sisters. Ruth is 12 years older and Sonja is 10 years older than Peter, the narrator, born in 1933.
Hellmut, spelled with two “l”s is my older brother. He is 18 months older.
Nati is Ruth’s daughter or my niece. Nati is an endearing abbreviation for Renate.
Helmut spelled with one “l” is the husband of my sister Ruth.
Noel is the son of my brother Hellmut
Bitsy is Noel’s girlfriend and future wife.
Susan is the “companion” of my brother Hellmut.
Heaven is Susan’s child.
Dr. Laue is how Mutti occasionally referred to me, her son Peter.
Marlice is a friend who looked after my Mother twice a day on her way to and from work. She was a checker at a nearby supermarket. She purchased the groceries which Mutti needed in addition to being a good friend.
Carmen was a lady who came to clean the house.
Hazel was a long-time friend just a few years younger than Mutti. She took her to the doctor, dentist, lawyers, and bank. Mutti never drove a car.
Arnold was Hazel’s husband.
Lynda was Mutti’s pen-pal. She referred to her as her hidden angel because she never met Lynda.
Jo Ann was a friend who visited Mutti and shared her faith in Jesus.
Barbara was a special friend with a strong and radiant faith. The friendship was primarily nurtured through letters.
July 11, 1985
TO EVERYONE, RUTH, SONJA, HELLMUT, PETER, my friends – ALL THOSE WHO KNOW ME –
I want you all to know that I have ONE GREAT WISH FOR MY BIRTHDAY in two days. On July 13th I will be 86 years old and I wish for only ONE THING, THAT JESUS WOULD COME AND RELIEVE ME FROM ALL MY SUFFERING.
I AM SUFFERING SINCE A LONG TIME AND GOD KNOWS THAT I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING IN MY LITTLE OR BIG POWER TO ACCEPT IT and MAKE THE BEST OF IT AND TRIED AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO DO GOD’S WILL. THAT WHICH I FELT WOULD BE THE WILL OF MY LORD JESUS CHRIST. BUT I CANNOT HOLD ON ANY LONGER.
TODAY WAS ANOTHER DAY TO SEE ME WRITHING IN SHEER AGONY FOR MANY HOURS. I WANT TO DIE – as a birthday PRESENT LORD, PLEASE FULFILL MY DYING WISH – MY LAST MOST FERVENT WISH. I PRAY WITH ALL MY HEART – with every breath, PLEASE RELEASE ME FROM MY AGONY. I HAVE BEEN LONG ENOUGH IN HELL. I TRIED SO HARD TO THINK WHAT’S RIGHT, TO DO WHAT’S RIGHT, TO ACCEPT WHAT I HAVE TO CARRY. RIGHT NOW – when I can’t go on – does it make sense to see me, this poor wretched creature – crawling on the floor often in pain and agony – HAVE TO KEEP THIS UP? FOR WHAT? YOU HAVE YOUR REASON: I DON’T KNOW THE REASON.
NOW I YEARN TO HEAR THE VOICES OF MY CHIDREN: AND I CAN’T HEAR THE VOICE OF ANY OF THEM. IF I CALL PETER, I CAN HEAR HIS VOICE. BUT TO ALL SORROW AND ANGUISH, MY HEART COULD ONLY BLEED MORE TO TELL HIM THAT I AM MOSTLY IN PAIN NOW AND WANT TO DIE. AND THERE ARE SO MANY REASONS WHY I CAN’T KILL MYSELF. SO MANY REASONS! I COULD HEAR RUTH’S VOICE; BUT SHE WOULD BE EVEN MORE BROKEN-HEARTED THAN PETER – were I to tell her WHAT I WENT THROUGH TODAY IN PAIN AND AGONY.
In two days, when my birthday comes around, she wants to come with Helmut and bring apple pie and whipped cream to celebrate. No, I have to try to spare RUTH AS MUCH SORROW AS POSSIBLE. Hellmut I can’t reach by phone, neither Sonja. I can only wait for time to pass, each hour, each day; and I HOPE AND PRAY THAT MY JESUS WILL FULFILL MY BIRTHDAY WISH. IT WOULD BE A DREAM COME TRUE, PARADISE – A MIRACLE.
NOT ONLY HAVE I MUCH PAIN – ALL OVER, BUT ALSO IN MY GUMS – in some teeth especially – those in back. (Author’s note: Mutti was convinced that the remaining few teeth in her mouth caused the constant pain. When the teeth were pulled, the pain was still there.)
Am I worn out today from the pain and from the heat – and so tired of having to fight my way through these 86 years! EVEN MY EYSIGHT IS GOING BAD AGAIN – there is nothing left than my WISH TO DIE.
And many, many people I know, especially my children and friends, can be happy when I close my eyes forever, because I have thought of them with special gifts of money. Besides, there are other things which will be enjoyed by many. And Peter and your Rebekah, HOW I LOVE YOU – all my love seems at present supernatural – not human any more.
I feel like crying again – but then I begin to hurt more in more places.
Noel and Bitsy, you made me happy when you came to visit me on Tuesday. In spirit – at least, I hope that that’s the way it’s to be. I will visit you in your home and see the big seascape you are getting from me. I wonder if Papa’s Spirit is around me now? (The seascape was one of Papa’s favorite pictures painted by Helmut Meier.) I just have to think of him – so very precisely.
I am besides so nauseated from drinking all the Hydrocyl. I have to turn the water off in the garden. No more worry about how the weeds grow when I’m gone – or how many ants will be brought into the house when it’s fig-picking time.
Imagine, THOSE JOYS AHEAD, unbelievable! BUT I AM NOT DEAD YET, ONLY THAT JOYFUL ANTICIPATION! I feel my last thought when I die will be of PETER AND HELLMUT, but especially of Peter. HIS PLAQUES REMIND ME OF HIM AS I LOOK ABOUT. PETER – YOU HELPED ME TO KEEP MY CROWN – THANK YOU PETER, THANK YOU.
July 13, 1985
My dear Peter, My dear Rebekah,
In the Daily Word I just read:
REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS; AGAIN I SAY REJOICE. Philippians 4:4
Always be full of joy in the Lord; I say it again, rejoice! From the Living Bible. I can’t say it enough. As I wandered through my room last night – and again as my eyes rested on the many plaques your busy hands so lovingly made – my eyes also came to rest on the 3x5 cards – reminding me. (From time to time I, Peter, would send Mutti 3x5 cards with Scripture verses). It was like Jesus speaking to me telling me what to think. I felt HIS HOLY PRESENCE and I was filled with new strength. PRAISE THE LORD. I FEEL his presence now – despite what I was experiencing yesterday.
Unexpected from one hour to the next, totally unprepared – I found myself at 10:30 sitting in the chair by the oral surgeon. For all this I had to thank the LOVE of Hazel. The pain in various places, especially in my whole mouth since days was – not human. I had settled already in my mind to be satisfied for the dentist to pull one or two teeth. Then Hazel phoned at 10 A.M and said she had made arrangements for me to be at the oral surgeon’s office thirty minutes later.
It would not be possible to tell you what I experienced. Besides the doctor, there was a nurse constantly present – preparing me for what had to be done. I had very little pain during the time six teeth were pulled, because I was a bit drowsy from an injection in my arm and inhaling something at the same time.
Physically, I had not been prepared for this – having had something in my stomach in the evening and a Ducolax at 5 A.M., Hydrocyl Instant (eight ounces) at 6 A.M. – which had to interfere with the extraction. Of course, when the doctor asked me if I had an empty stomach, I had to say “Yes.” But the consequences surely kept me in hell – after the anesthetic wore off – until all hours of the afternoon and night. That was the time I gained some new strength again by trying to keep my mind and LOVE constantly on Jesus.
What I had in my stomach made everything worse. But this I knew! It would also pass! Added strength and an immense feeling LOVE and GRATITUDE came when I opened the birthday present you sent me. What I felt when I read your card and held those beautiful book covers in my hand that you hade made for me – Rebekah, my heart was just like a huge mountain of love, strong enough to keep a dying man from dying. “For only God knows how I love you with the affection of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:8.
The written words, dear Peter, were and I knew will forever be my prayers until my dying day. What you wish me, I need more than anything else in the world, to be free from fears. Like a boogie man – they always seem to attack me in some way – unexpected and so real.
But I can also feel some improvement in that area – Jesus, my Lord, WHO LOVES ME in a way which cannot be expressed, allowed me during some hours of the night to be in the World of Spirit. IT WAS REAL! NOW I AM TOTALLY CONVINCED that THERE IS NO DEATH. WE ARE IN THE WORLD OF SPIRIT when our heart stops beating. THREE TIMES LAST NIGHT I was allowed to experience this. PRAISE THE LORD for letting this happen – like a birthday present form God. The first time it happened was at 1:20 A.M. this morning. I remember some details very clearly.
Regarding Hellmut, I regret NOTHING that had taken place in the last weeks. I am so thoroughly convinced that only THE LOVE OF JESUS, banishing fearful thoughts at the same time, had written that chapter. And patience and love will – ONE DAY, ONE HOUR AT A TIME REVEAL THE NEXT CHAPTER. I HAVE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF. At least now I CAN PEACEFULLY DIE when HE is ready to call for me.
Next Friday, on the 19th, Dr. Wilson will see me again. And according to what he thinks best, most likely the rest of my teeth will be pulled under the same circumstances. The only difference will be that I will then have an empty stomach and not be so terribly scared before it all takes place. I know what to expect for hours after that, but will always keep in mind that JESUS knows best; THAT HE LOVES ME. And one day it will be all forgotten.
If the dentures that are being made for me and me become friends is something to be seen and hoped for. I also have to learn PATIENCE, which never was one of my assets.
There comes to mind this little anecdote what at times happened years ago. If I made a purchase and had intended to exchange it, I would see myself at the store where the purchase had been made, early in the morning at the opening of the store. When you pray for me dear Peter and dear Rebekah, besides wishing to be rid of fear, also include “patience.”
I can feel the LOVE OF JESUS giving me all this time here. It is to let me have the opportunity to give me a thorough cleaning of all negative emotions. YES, it’s being in the furnace alright!
Where it not for your great love – for your patience – and for you FAITH – I would not have been able to pass all these tests. Not one of them! I know like Josefa (The central figure in a book called “The Way of Divine Love” by Sister Josefa Menendez - TAN Books, 1981), there will be the time when all pain and suffering is over - - and my DEAR JESUS WILL gently lead me – or one of His heavenly angels, - from hell into HEAVEN. The expression in my face – then – will show the traces.
I am looking at the most beautiful book covers that I have ever seen, dear Rebekah. You truly are one of the Lord’s artists. The butterfly, the flower – just everything, everyone is a piece of art. And thank you – thank you. I have just read the last few lines on the birthday card you sent me – I feel so prompted to repeat them:
“THANKS” seems so inadequate,
But there are no words great enough
To express my feelings.
So it will have to do enough,
With this addition of
“I love You!”
Letter of July 13, 1985 (cont’d)
I just told Hazel over the phone that she will receive an orchestra seat in Heaven for what she did during these days to help me out of my misery. I say that word “misery” in the past tense.
As I read the letter again which I finished a little while ago, of course I could not help but had to observe all the very many mistakes. Some parts also hardly made sense, but I know that you will understand what I am trying to say. I also knew what the letter would look like if I were trying to correct some mistakes. All of them I could never correct. I felt Jesus would want me to send it just as it is.
Part of what is on the card would I like to add:
“For only God knows how I love you with all the affection of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:8.
“All my prayers for you are full of praise to God! When I pray for you, my heart is full of joy, because of all your wonderful help in making known the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am sure that God who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in His grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns.”
From The Living Bible, Philippians 1:6
This has touched me deeply – never, never will I be a able to forget these precious words – and your birthday wish to me today – from both of you my dear Peter and Rebekah.
July 13, 1985
5 minutes before midnight – then it will be July 14th
My dear Peter,
Is Jesus testing me again? I am so exhausted. Yesterday I had 6 teeth pulled, awake most of the night with the usual pain and gums bleeding, I called on the Lord and I felt HE heard me some times.
I had some relief. At noon Ruth phoned and asked if she could come and wish me a happy birthday. She was so eager to come and knowing it would be easier for me – she decided to come alone. She came and had many things prepared that I was to eat. Lots of jello with all kinds of fruit, four bottles of apple juice and some German cookies – to eat at a later date. Besides, she brought me some other surprises which she was so sure I would enjoy. Two books hard-bound with big script, “Sifted Gold” from Yvonne M. Wilson – and “Absolute Surrender” by Andrew Murray. Also, another new electric fan – having already three, I really didn’t need it. But her giving, loving heart found another suitable place for it. We were together from about 3:30 until 7:30 – and I was getting more and more exhausted. The previous hours and just about everything, lack of sleep and food – made itself visible. Did I every call on Jesus to see me through!
But you haven’t heard anything yet. Then to my big surprise Hellmut phoned from out of town. It was about 8:15. He told me he would be at my house in about three and a half hours, RING THE FRONT DOOR BELL – NOT KNOCK ON THE WINDOW AND SCARE THE WITS OUT OF ME AS HE HAD DONE BEFORE.
It is at present after midnight – he did not come yet. I needed lots of Jesus’ strength – I was just about ready to collapse. Then Marlice came from work – we always have very much to talk about. She does the listening, while I do the talking. But with the Help of the Lord I held up pretty good – when suddenly the phone rang again. It was you my dear Peter wishing me a happy birthday. My spirit was high, the Lord was taking good care of me – and I couldn’t FIND ENOUGH WORDS AND THE RIGHT WORDS – TO TELL Peter what has been going on the last two days here.
On the 12th I was in so much agony that I told Hazel, I wouldn’t care if a burglar came and would shoot me. In fact on the 12th I wrote a farewell letter to all of you. I would have even embraced a nursing home after they would knock me out. That goes to show you what happened before the 13th. Well, you know the rest – from my previous letter – when at 10:30 I sat in the doctor’s chair, ready for anything and everything.
I was extremely happy that Peter called. While I was speaking to him, I was actually in the Seventh of Heaven. I did not tell Peter that Hellmut phoned and announced his visit. It would have been premature. He was to read all letters first. I only asked him to sit down while reading them. It was a blessed telephone conversation in every way.
Of course – you can imagine my anxiety mounting later – then waiting for Hellmut. I cannot describe the state of physical exertion I was in. I tried reading – in the new books. Jesus was my only strap to hang on to. You can imagine as to what went on before that. To be on the front line in a raging battle – might have been easier. I DON’T KNOW? Jesus must think I am a strong horse. But I am again sure of one thing – this will also be over sooner or later.
I am in my heart elated at the thought of seeing Hellmut again - - . I can’t help but ask myself the question, “Will this time be the last time?” I AM TRYING - - AND PRAYING, “LET THIS MIND BE IN ME WHICH IS IN CHRIST JESUS.” That’s the kind of gasoline my little – (or big) self needs. THE BEST!
I am just reading the 3x5 card which your friend Barbara has sent me with her wishes: “Blessed BE THE LORD WHO DAILY LOADETH US WITH BENEFITS.” Psalm 68:19. But the way I feel this minute is more like SATAN is trying to finish me off.
I try to say: “In the name of Jesus Christ, get out of here, leave me alone – and so far so good. Peter, dear Peter, into what situations we humans get sometimes! It soon will be 1 A.M. – I am still alone with my heart full of love.
I DESPERATELY WANT TO WIN THIS BATTLE, EVEN IF I SHOULD DIE ON THE FRONT LINE. I want to spread – LOVE ONLY. Imagine, one hour I wish to die because of pain, the next hour when the pain is gone the thought comes to me that it might still happen – that your wish might come true – your prayer – that I MIGHT REVEAL THE GLORY OF MY LORD – which is why I have been given so much strength. My sentence begins to sound twisted - - - .
2:45 A.M. – Hellmut arrived with the child about 1 A.M. He - I feel, will have a more difficult time taking care of her than if the baby’s mother came along. The Lord had decided it this way. It is touching to see how he loves her and cuddles her. She is very pretty – but going on four years – she should be heavier - - in weight. I am sorry I cannot understand one word she says, her voice – naturally soft-spoken.
There is so much to talk about – and I feel it warm in my heart to see the beautiful togetherness because of having invited JESUS. Also, Helllmut has changed. I feel and know now that I can talk to my heart’s content about the Lord – and every other item or happening in OUR lives becomes – suddenly unimportant. My heart beats with new joy having found a sincere listener in my son.
I will do everything in my power to make each hour a very special hour for him. At present he is putting the child to bed who suddenly started to cry – repeatedly saying with tears in her eyes and her words sobbing – “I WANT TO GO HOME TO MOMMY.” Hellmut repeated these words to me as he held the crying child in his arms. Well, with 3 A.M. in the morning anything can be expected by a little child. Tomorrow – rather – after a few hours of sound sleep – I might find a happy, laughing child again.
Will go to bed now I hope to be able to get some sleep – I need it. I pray that Jesus feels the same way about me getting some sleep also. The way I type some sentences – like the above! You know everything. MY HEART IS SINGING WITH JOY ABOUT THE REUNION WITH ALL MY CHILDREN IN A MOST LOVING WAY, INCLUDING SONJA.
5 A.M. I’ve got to get this off my chest. I might explode otherwise. I awoke very suddenly with a splitting headache and felt cold all over. You ain’t heard anything yet. I think I slept about two hours.
My heart is so open and filled with the Love of the Lord. Before Hellmut went to bed I talked to him. His eyes were open, his mouth and ears; and never in my whole life did I sense such a feeing about his whole self – just listening – with glowing expression in his eyes – as if HE TOO, WAS TRANSFORMED INTO THE LORD’S presence. His answers or remarks he had made in-between baffled me to the point of not knowing my own son. What he said and how he reacted revealed HIS REAL INNER BEAUTIFUL SELF. IT WAS A MIRACLE FOR ME. THAT BOY IS CLOSE TO HEAVEN DESPITE EVERYTHING ELSE ONE COULD SOMETIMES SENSE FROM THE SHORT REMARKS HE WOULD MAKE WHEN HE WROTE. It seems as if we were both lifted up IN THE LORD’S PRESENCE. I had to do what I did – to sift the dross from the gold – while both of us were in the fiery furnace.
I caught a cold yesterday afternoon, sitting on the patio – later getting cold. I was so wrapped up in conversation with Ruth, that I did not go in to get something warm. Everything is O.K. I am just describing a situation. And at present I have a flannel nightgown on, plus sweater, plus a heating pad in my bed.
The new emotion of excitement – although surprisingly beautiful – gives me at present a belly-ache. As soon as I see 6 A.M. on the clock, I will drink Hydrocyl. If I am still tense and get no relief, there’s always the fleet waiting for me. It was worth living a whole life to partake of what I described. HOW VERY RIGHT YOU ALWAYS WERE. I want to share with you as much as possible – JESUS SURELY IS SO GOOD TO US, TO ALL OF US.
JULY 14, 1985
ABOUT 1 P.M.
I think I could write pages which would tell you how each hour has been spent. PETER, REBEKAH – YOU CAN BE ASSURED THAT I AM VERY HAPPY AND THANK GOD CONTINUALLY. Nevertheless – I have to pray most of the time to ask for strength to stay calm within. I don’t have to say more, or should I?
To get rid of some tension I have spoken to Marlice. She knows more than anybody else that the physical part is sometimes most difficult. I take it up with Jesus immediately and HE GIVES ME THE PRESCRIPTION TO WRITE A LETTER. Here it is.
While Hellmut held my two hands last night while we were sitting on the sofa talking, he said a few times, “I think I am going to cry a lot.” I said, “Do so, dear Hellmut, every such tear becomes a gem in Heaven.” I read that somewhere yesterday. I believe it. My eyes are also clear. I meant clean now – from crying lately so often.
You were absolutely right about your brother Hellmut. He is closer to the Lord Jesus Christ than many of us. The way he lets me pour out my heart and Listens! And his responses amaze me, but not anymore. You always knew him better than I did.
I am sharing this with you because it would not be possible any other way than by writing you. We have shared so much; why not share the happy ending of a long life. I never would have been able to experience this feeling – had I not in the last hour – written him how I really felt. It is too precious to take along to the other side without sharing it with you.
The child reminds me of a dainty blossom in God’s creation – with her little body of 26 pounds. But the expression of her face reminds me of a little, very little angel.
I would think that his stay will be about for one week, perhaps ten days. He often said that he would have come very much sooner, Peter. It was not possible. I wasn’t ready. I needed more polishing – and a working over in the fiery furnace.
Next Saturday or Sunday I will phone about 8:30 A.M. and give the receiver to Hellmut. He can hardly wait until he can speak to you. But you know why I needed these days in-between! If this is mailed tomorrow, or Monday, it should reach you latest on Friday.
Tonight again, I meant last night, I was led into the Spirit world, but don’t remember what I experienced.
I wish I could send you all the many wishes I received yesterday. I was deeply touched when I realized that there were so many wishes for prayer in them. I will send you the card from Sonja. All I sent her were some snapshots from her boy as a little child. I wrote, “JUST SOME SWEET MEMORIES.” She wrote she will never come unless I wish to see her, or would she ever send me any of her long letters as in the past. This card, it sounded sincere and full of love. Believe you me, I have learned a lot and NOW KNOW WHEN NOT TO ROCK THE BOAT.
I read a book years ago about how Pearl Buck’s Mother spent the last days of her life. BEAUTIFUL – for the children – FOR ALL OF HER CHILDREN. I’ll never forget it. I retained the most important part for future reference.
This morning I heard Lloyd Ogilvie speak about Matthew 11, about carrying burdens. I wish I could hear it again and then speak to you about it. Some things – just don’t sink in – as I would wish them to. But I am not giving up – will read about it and think and pray about it. I ALWAYS LEARN SOMETHING. The Lord KNOWS – that’s all that matters!
What a TREAT NOW – THE Spirit in our home – as if JESUS IS RIGH BETWEEN US. I feel so much, also what is going on in Hellmut’s heart at present. PRAISE THE LORD, THANK YOU JESUS.
Suddenly I get little flashes about what Ogilvie meant when he told us what to do about burdens. Let this be it for now. – Want to take the page out of the machine – PRAISE THE LORD.
I want to tell you something about this morning’s sermon – not suddenly – all of a sudden – let’s not talk about it. It always happens from one moment to the other. (Probably Mutti experienced a sudden pain.)
Hazel was here also. The atmosphere was filled with love. Still – as time goes by – I am not astonished anymore about anything.
Again I will say that I am happy to be together with Hellmut. I have so much to be grateful for and my PRAISING THE LORD HAS NO BOUNDARIES. I JUST AM! But I am tired, very, very much. And then the question arises, HOW MUCH LONGER, LORD?” To think I could be here for years yet!
I am also weak now – since days hardly without real food, just drinking something.
I will or you will hear from us again. Hellmut is overanxious to speak to you.
I said to Hazel this afternoon, because of remarks Hellmut makes and his general behavior, I am sometimes inclined to think, “He is more often near Jesus than the rest of us “Re-born Christians.” I never liked that expression.
Maybe I am also exhausted because I was talking lots today – and the many changes around me. But just as I am eager to write you, I am eager to share with anyone who wants to listen to my thoughts. And there is so much to share.
My garden is much neglected due to heat and lack of watering opportunities. I am so thankful that Hellmut will take this burden off my shoulders. Poor boy – he is also in much pain since he arrived because of a tooth which badly needs to be pulled tomorrow. It is infected and broken off. I tell you, life isn’t a bowl of cherries. Hellmut took 5 No-Doz yesterday to stay awake driving all day. He drove in one stretch ten hours. He still is, besides the toothache – affected from taking those pills.
Heaven (the name of Susan’s child) is a live-wire, very pretty and smart. I think I told you already that I cannot understand one word she says.
Noel is coming this evening alone to see his father. He recently bought a brand-new truck. He wants to help Hellmut with whatever has to be done in the garden to make it easiest for me and possible to take care of.
Don’t forget, dear Peter, one day to send me two BEAUTIFUL DOVES (SANDBLASTED WOODEN PLAQUES). Nothing on the plaque besides. One is for my doctor’s nurse for the office. They also get your Wood Blossom.
(This book was published in 1983 and published under the new title “To Hell and Back” in 2008.)
For the time being I am going to swipe a copy intended for Carmen. It will be replaced. It was the nurse who mentioned the BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN, don’t remember in what form – a lovely warm-hearted woman.
Enclosed card from Sonja; do not return it. She doesn’t write those long letters anymore, asks questions or expects anything. I just want to see the flag of peace waving over us – in the end. I hope to feel better when the rest of the teeth are pulled. One day at a time. I am glad the dentist is not pulling one tooth at a time.
L O V E Y O U A L L SO MUCH
TUESDAY, AUGUST 13, 1985
Midnight is not far away. By the time I have filled this sheet, it will be past midnight. About 9:00 P.M. Marlice came from work. I was so tired. With happy hearts we hugged each other and then I asked her to leave. I hastened to bed, but got out of it half an hour later.
Now I just came from the kitchen where I did a lot of mixing food in a pan. It is a must to put food into the stomach to give the intestines something to work with. I even squirted an egg into it. I managed to get something down without teeth in my mouth. At the same time I thought of Dr. Williams who very patiently explained my present state of trying to eat with dentures; he sat in front of me and said that my brain doesn’t know I have a set of false teeth in my mouth and I have to try to get used to eating with them in my gums.
I cough, coughed before, the teeth fall out – the upper dentures fall down, the lower ones fall up; I have a mouth full of dentures. It seems as if – I will rather decide to let the soft foods just slide down – and live toothless. But I will try and try again.
My life is now a melodrama – and I wanted to give a good performance. Most likely I will have to return my application to be part of the next beauty contest. Peter said “God looks in the heart.” Sounds good! I want it to be a nice clean place for the Holy Spirit to live in. It is the Holy Spirit who heals. I pray for this gift to help Helmut Meier regain his health – soon. TOMORROW, TONIGHT! I want to be able to accomplish something so worthwhile yet; and what greater happiness is there for man as to be able to cure – bring health to a suffering soul. That means a lot of homework yet for me to be done. I want to be so worthy of THE HOLY SPIRIT’S PRESENCE – that I can spend hours praying about one thing.
That one thing is to write Hazel. Even a few words – I can’t bring myself to do it. I had been play-acting for so long. I pray to spend the rest of my life living honestly – and that brings about many changes.
Now, that I have this settled, I can try for the bed again. My hearing-aid is in the little purple velvet box, my teeth are in a dish of water, my glasses are perched on my nose and my heart is with Jesus. As my right hand is rigid and I tremble besides, I have a hard time to get the spoon to my mouth.
Thought this afternoon to have Ruth sign a card to give her the power of attorney to sign my checks. At present I have a time, a hard time to do so. Why think of signing checks when I am just now sitting at the typewriter chatting with you?
I hope you will order the book about healing. Instead of putting myself in the limelight, I will copy something from the book. It might whet your appetite to order it if you haven’t done so yet. The author also mentions Andrew Murray and his healing ministry.
After a nibble of something and sweeping the kitchen, I will continue to type – copy a few lines from THE HEALING BOOK. It is finally midnight
“Now watch the action of the law of life. Faith belongs to the law of life. Faith is the very opposite of fear. Faith has the opposite effect in spirit, soul and body. Faith causes the spirit of man to become confident. It causes the mind of man to become restful and positive. A positive man repels disease. Consequently the emanation of the Spirit destroys disease germs. The Christian does not ask God for healing because he is afraid of death but because God has made provision for his protection and health.” From the ministry of John. G. Lake.
“All through the Christian centuries there have been those who trusted God for healing. I have spent five thousand dollars for obtaining facts in this booklet – describing examples as far back as “The Old Testament – when miraculous healings took place.”
August 14, 1985
I remember what you said, Peter, “If you can’t quiet down, go to the typewriter.” At 9 p.m. last night I bade Marlice to leave right away. I was so tired. After a little while in bed, without sleep – I was back in the kitchen, warming up something. I hadn’t eaten since noon, just drank the Hydrocyl at 6 p.m. and learned by this time that this would have negative results. I had to put food in the stomach.
At 1 a.m. I am about to copy something else: “Don’t think you can go on to the heights and the glories of God until your soul has become settled, until your mind is established, until your consecration amounts to something. When a man becomes anchored in God, balanced in the history of the Word and balanced in the history of the grace of God as manifested in the people of God throughout the centuries, he will not backslide from God, not if he has any intelligence.”
It is not that I have backslid – rather it seems as if some force is trying to push me off my way – away from God. In order that this doesn’t happen, I start to type such thoughts as come to me. With the lights on, typing God’s Word, it is easier to stay on the rocking horse – going around and around the carousel.
“The value of the physical. ‘And God saw everything that He had made, and behold, it was very good.’ Genesis 1:31. All was very good. This includes the physical body of man. ‘We are fearfully and wonderfully made’ Psalm 139:14. Jesus placed value on the human body. ‘Ye are of more value than many sparrows.’ Matthew 10:31. ‘Even the hairs on your head are numbered.’ Matthew 10:30. – “
Just changed nightgowns. Certain flannel materials on my skin make me feel comfortable. During these moments my thoughts go back to Hazel. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and speak of love while I haven’t digested many things yet. And I do love her – but not how she sometimes acted. I do love Hellmut, my son, but not his deeds. The day will come when he has to balance his books – and they can’t balance. The heartache involved will be enormous. I know he will have some credit, for way deep down in his heart he has a place reserved for his love for Jesus.
Susan, with her beautiful body, seems to me like Eve. She had to have a beautiful body, a pretty face and a large degree of intelligence – somewhat artistic. But they know not the difference between right and wrong and their, her children will not know it either, because they are the fruits of her.
I know the father of her unborn child. A good, intelligent man – but – what? His father, so I heard, was a high-ranking officer in the army – so I heard. Intelligent – but just caught in the spider’s net. Tears will flow one day.
Ruth suggested I ask Noel and Bitsy to take care of the garden to save the money for a gardener. I can’t agree with her. I don’t want the ties to become stronger – as blood is thicker than water – and Noel is Hellmut’s first-born son. I love Noel and Bitsy. When I asked them if Hellmut was coming for the wedding, Noel said, “I don’t think so.” Hellmut always wants to have his way.
How would I look against the other guests?
She lived with Noel seven years before their on-coming marriage on September 4th. I am happy they are getting married. They are two fine people. I love them, but we have not become so close so that I could pour out my inner feelings; and that is not always necessary. Just better “stay off the grass.” Of course I cannot go to the wedding. Impossible! Therefore I don’t want to or try. Yes, Noel is a fine boy. And so is his Bitsy.
My mind just went to my Father, a man with a heart like gold – for I know what he did in his lifetime. And he couldn’t even spell the name “JESUS.” Is his spirit around me that I think of him? He loved me.
What you said, Peter, about everything that is hidden being revealed came into my mind just now; and I looked it up in the concordance. Luke 2:35 “Yes, a sword shall pierce through thy own soul,” also that “the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.” Not only did the sword pierce my heart in the past days, but also my whole body. Is this what you were explaining to me? Because much was revealed to me which I NEVER would have wanted to see – FACE TO FACE. It seems that with my good memory bank and Percadon-free mind (Percadon is a prescription drug), I have done some excellent book-keeping. Nothing is now kept hidden from me. So, the armies are divided – finally.
I must have been endowed with a rather strong constitution. I have hardly had any sleep since two days and nights and am not tired. As long as my letters are looking somewhat neat, I am still going strong. I want to mail this letter in a few hours.
I am reading some more about – about those things which are revealed – Deuteronomy 29:29. It is the best way to keep my mind occupied when I read certain verses in the Bible. “Thou couldest have no power at all against me, except it was given thee from above. (John 19:11).
One who was passing through deep waters of affliction wrote to a friend: “Is it not a glorious thing to know that, no matter how unjust a thing may be, or how absolutely it may seem to be from Satan, BY THE TIME IT REACHES US IT IS GOD’S WILL FOR US, and will work for good to us. FOR ALL THINGS work together for good to us who love God. And even of the betrayal Christ said, ‘The cup which my Father gave me, shall I not drink it?’ We live charmed lives if we are living in the center of God’s will. All the attacks that Satan, through others’ sin can hurt against us are not only powerless to harm us, but are turned into blessings on the way.”
In the center of the circle of the will of God I stand;|
There can come no second causes, all must come from His dear hand.
All is well! For ‘tis my Father
Who life has planned.
Shall I pass through waves of sorrow? Then I know it will be best;
Though I cannot tell the reason, I can trust and so am blest.
With the shade and with the sunshine, with the joy and with the pain,
Lord, I trust Thee! Both are needed, each thy wayward child to train,
Earthly loss, did we but know it, often means our HEAVENLY GAIN.
- - - - - - - - - -
When I gave Marlice tonight, before she left, THE STEAMS IN THE DESERT, she hugged it to her heart. I asked her to read each day as I do, the same thing – so we are one in Spirit. I wish you could have seen the expression on her fear face, in those golden-tinted brown eyes. It really touched me.
It will soon be after 4 a.m. Shall I try for another nap? I can always get up and come back to my Listener again.
It was in vain – another sleepless night. I seem to have a constitution like a horse – no real sleep since Saturday night when I slept about 2 hours with a two-hour interval. I thought of you. During such sleepless nights the pull of Satan is strong – for me to reach for a Percadon. But there is none in the house. I might as well throw the thought about it out of my heart. “If it’s in the house, it is in your heart” – you wise guy told me and you surely said a big, true STATEMENT. That goes to show you – that you are A BORN COUNSELOR IN JESUS’ EMPLOYMENT. You have found the corner you fit in. You use your God-given talent wisely. PTL.
Just thought that I receive as much from a short phone call from you as if I were reading a book.
I took my Ducolax; now I wait for the day to break. Just opened the READING BOOK at random. Want to copy what I read. It will be all the more engraved in my mind.
“What is righteousness? It is the rightness of God in your heart. It is the rightness of God in your thoughts. It is the rightness of God in your conversation. It is the rightness of God in your affections. It is the rightness of God in your emotions. It is the rightness of God in your purposes. IT IS THE CHRIST IN YOU IN COMPLETE CHARGE AS LORD OF YOUR LIFE.” A big statement.
“The next piece of equipment is to have your loins girded about with truth. Its purpose is protection for your walking gear. We are to walk as He walked. (1 John 2:6). He is the light and we are to walk in the light. (Ephesians 5:8). The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord. (Psalm 37:23). But you must cooperate and walk in them. The Holy Spirit will guide you into all truths. He will maintain that purity. He will lead you into a healthy spirit of life and into a healthy physical life. Obedience is the way a Christian keeps himself – ‘and that wicked one touched him not.’ (1 John 5:18). ‘HIM” includes the whole man, every wit. God desires healthy soldiers who can wage a good spiritual warfare after the example of Jesus.”
One paragraph is more revealing than the one before. I could go on and on. What do you think about this, Peter? It was Jesus who placed this book into my hands – I will be happy to know how it affects you. When I copy such thoughts, I have no room for any others I NEED TO KEEP MY THOUGHSTS LOADED with just such ammunition.
Wonder of all wonders, no sooner did my head hit the pillow about 1&1/2 hours ago and I was OUT LIKE A LIGHT. GONE, TAKEN AND CARRIED AWAY. IT WAS FROM SOME HIGHER POWER – because I awoke very suddenly – and rushed to the “YOU KNOW WHERE” – I did everything right and again – because I let nature take its course; an enema wasn’t necessary. Everything done to the body which is not normal causes another painful reaction. I PRAISE THE LORD WHILE I JUST SAT THHERE. I KNOW FROM THE EXPERIENCE OF LAST WEEK THE PRICE I OFTEN PAID IF I TRIED TO BE SMARTER THAN NATURE.
And at this time I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit urging me to tell you, if you can, keep as many of the past letters together which prove to every reader what price we pay for not obeying Nature’s laws. You could combine what would be helpful in some pamphlet form. You might mention my condition in a forthcoming newsletter for those who are bound by Satan and in a state of total helplessness and agony. Tell all the details as you experienced them with me through phone calls and letters when I was minutes away from absolute SURRENDER TO SATAN, only to become miraculously and instantly helped against the Number One Killer: THE COMMON DEADLY CONSEQUENCES OF MOST SICKNESSES AND OFTEN DEATHS. YOU HAVE THIS STORY TO TELL IN YOUR HANDS (a diary recording a period of excruciating pain) – A STORY OF YOUR Mother’s latest experience. I would swear upon every word I wrote as if it were on a stack of Bibles. It is available upon special request. The rest is up to you.
The Holy Spirit put this message upon my heart to share with you which can be shared with sufferers from the No. 1 Killer: ANXIETY. I am at present so filled with gratitude and LOVE TO MY HEAVENLY LEGIONS, I find not the appropriate words to share and express it. Maybe this was the most important mission I was supposed to fulfill. PRAISE THE LORD. It was again a higher force that prepared all this, everything, the hour-long typing, just everything. It’s between a drama and a melodrama. I am eager to mail this and at a later time talk to you about it.
Tuesday, August 14th
A thought entered my mind which I have to share with you. I have, during the days of my worst pains, typed all agony away – for all of you to read one day. Not one of these letters were ever mailed, maybe a dozen or so. The letters were typed while I was in hell. My final contemplation was to be brought to the hospital.
Now, that I am on the mountain-top again, I was asking myself this question, “Maybe for the sake of contrast you should and can now read these pages?” I have only described the trips into the valley which led to hell. Let me know your decision – we will mail them to you. You don’t have to read them now, just as the Spirit leads you along to help others.
Just spoke to Helmut Meier. The Holy Spirit laid it on my heart to pray for him, because only the HOLY SPIRIT DOES THE HEALING – backed up by Jesus in the end. He was very thankful and has more hope now. He encouraged me to try to wear the dentures by all means. Tentatively I have already abandoned the idea. Nobody can know what torture is connected with that. I scarcely cough or try to swallow and both of them start to fall out. Without them life is easier – and as long as Jesus does not look in my mouth, WHY BE UNDER SUCH PRESSURE AND DISCOMFORT! It might be easier to get used to them in younger years. Mostly people who wear them have some teeth to hook onto – which keeps the partials from moving around with so much freedom and absolute liberty.
Just returned from the breakfast table. If I want to make a joke, that’s what I will call it. Made two attempts to get farina down with the dentures. Not only did they hurt, but the gums felt sore with the dentures rubbing against them. Helmut urges me to try and try and try again. I should use denture cream – it’s like a paste. With the farina and saliva running down out of my mouth, it must have been a pretty picture!
The faucets are turned on (in the garden). I think of two people at the same time – but they are not emotional, harmful thoughts.
Since I leave all, ALL other suggested medicines away, my whole system works better. Included in this were – after every meal, Sinequan – 25 mg, Tagamet and Darvoset, for itching or against itching, Atarax. And finally Reglan upon advice of the doctor in emergency cases. Now – the bottles stay closed.
Marlice will be here shortly. I asked her to prepare two soft-boiled eggs for me which she gladly does. If I don’t keep on putting something in besides Hydocyl Instant, I can’t expect anything to come out. That’s when the traffic jam comes and the fleets get used. And it’s all wrong. I wish I could share my experiences with others – but the main thing is always “LOOK TO JESUS for your help. He is the LORD THAT HEALETH THEE.”
It’s a nice day, not so warm yet.
Just send me a few appropriate 3 x 5 cards with your favorite Scripture verses – that’s plenty. And let me know later when you get the book (the Healing Book), if it speaks to you like it speaks to me? I gave you a few examples of what you can find in it.
With this, I will stop for the time being. Just answer my questions when and if you have time to do so and feel you would like to do it. I have lots of time and can wait and if you just rather wish to answer my questions over the phone on a weekend, PLEASE DO SO.
With all my heart,
Thursday, August 15 1985
My dear Peter,
I hope you can still read the script, the ribbon is pretty worn. – Therefore when that happens I make carbon copies and keep the original.
I followed myself throughout the day, as if I were the doctor and the patient. I had no pains today, but a headache for a few hours. And when that happens, I have to exert more pressure than normal to go to the toilet. But I still didn’t need a fleet. Half an hour ago I drank the 8 ounces of Hydrocyl Instant. I was busy – but I try to do what I think is necessary.
I was in bed a while and realized that my headache came from tension and the approaching thoughts for the future. About another cataract operation if I am still around. If I am careful I can stay away from doctors and dentists.
Why that is, I don’t know. But I doubt very much that I will ever wear the dentures. Besides, I sneeze and cough and each time they drop out, that is, the top ones. The others stay in a dish, hurt too much to use them.
As all this and so many things flashed through my mind, I took my JESUS BOOK and thought about the verses in connection with what I read. I can get so absorbed – that I can actually feel the effect of a more quiet and peaceful spirit.
I can learn by just thinking about what I read. I might read only one or two paragraphs. In-between these two are the verses I can look up. They become more and more familiar. It is amazing how one doesn’t function without the other.
Problems in the head, problems elsewhere. That’s why people take drugs. They think that’s the answer. It’s the opposite. The devil is not going to catch me again.
It started the day my teeth were pulled. I thought the gums will heal daily and the drugs will ease my pain. But my arithmetic didn’t add up. It made it worse. PRAISE THE LORD – for saying last week to me, “When they (drugs) are in the house, they are in your head.” I meant to say “heart.”
I will treat myself to read “Your Legacy” now. One day it might very well appear in a newsletter. Just read the first paragraph. It touches me each time I read it, like now. And when I got it this morning – and when I have the wish and need to feel the HOLY SPIRIT, all I have to do is read it over again. Oh Peter, like a beautiful portrait in words, like Leonardo da Vinci would paint the Mona Lisa, so you can capture the beauty of your soul in words. And as I read that, I am immediately carried away. I am glad you sent two extra copies. Tomorrow I will give Ruth one copy page and ask her to have some more copies made at work.
Each time you cry out for help and you search heaven and earth for a way out, you provide me with a great challenge. My desire to help you and not just pamper you in the midst of your despair, drives me to pray and to sift and ponder each thought and word. What can I give you that would inspire and challenge you to finish your race with dignity? Many races are lost so very near the end. May that not happen to you.
You have given me many things. Above all, you have given me life. You have steadied my steps when I was little. You have taught me right from wrong. You have believed in me when I could not believe in myself. You pleaded with God for my life when I was ill; and He answered your prayers.
Now that you are old and your train is about to leave, now that every step is painful and a day can become an eternity, I, your son, desire one more gift from you. I desire to see you finish the race with courage. I desire to see your faith in your God and my God strong and vibrantly alive. I desire to see you bring all your problems and all your pain to the Only One who has all the answers. I desire to see victory in the midst of pain, confusion and fear. There is no greater legacy that you could bequeath upon your sons and daughters than to show us through your own example that Jesus is the only one worthy of your complete trust.
I beseech you, grant us the gift of seeing Jesus in you-His nature, His gentleness, His courage, His forgiveness. Money is spent, fame is soon forgotten, but your victory will be an inspiration to your son and his sons. Grant us the gift of your victory. It is written and it is true:
“I am sure that God who began a good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in grace until His task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns.” Philippians 1:6
Let no one rob you or your children of this precious promise. Together with Christ Jesus alive in you, you can finish the race with dignity, and inspire us through your example, to finish ours.
(The above letter was included earlier in this manuscript. I have inserted it here once more for continuity’s sake and also that it can be easily copied and shared. May 30, 2012 – Peter)
As I read this (“Your Legacy”), everything disappears – everything else I meant to say, slowly disappears – just retreats. And that just now gave me an idea. As soon as I feel some slight discomfort – I will immediately read MY LEGACY – instead of reaching for the book. I HAVE TO STAY IN THE FRONT LINES OF THE MARATHON RACERS. As I then feel the Holy Spirit., I start to relax.
I have not only to be the two different people I mentioned in the beginning, but also a WATCHDOG, A POLICEMAN. The Lord is so good to me, the way HE GENTLY URGES ME ON!
There is always only room for one thought at a time in my mind – and let it be JESUS taking over. Like a fine diamond scale, so delicately fine – my whole thought-life and physical life is regulated – controlling absolutely everything. It’s like an interesting beautiful game. – I want to win all the time. I DO PRAY AND WANT TO BE AN INSPIRATION FOR YOU, DEAR PETER AND DEAR REBEKAH AND THOSE WHO KNOW AND REALLY LOVE ME.
I KNOW Ruth will read this (“Your Legacy”) tomorrow when she comes – it will touch her.
I have quite an obligation – my piano has to be tuned up constantly so it is always clear and sweet, every tone. Although I cannot hear it – I know it though. I cannot see the HOLY SPIRIT – yet I KNOW WHEN HE IS PRESENT. When I write a page like this, I get more and more relaxed. PRAISE THE LORD.
I enjoyed to read Marlyne’s letter, how we met again. I’m happy about the beautiful memories that I was able to leave behind. And I think of the different types of people I HAD TO MEET – how they affected me. Immediately, I feel a stirring in my body. Now I sneezed. There is a German superstition, if something is said and one sneezes, it is a true story. (Peter’s footnote: It’s more than a superstition!)
Friday, August 16, 1985
Typing has an advantage as well as a disadvantage. But the advantage is far greater because in this way everything is deeper impressed on my mind and I use the next step to speak to the Lord. I do all day long. It could be like radio waves. They are sent out and serve an important purpose.
Every day I learn new lessons. Since Ruth gave me the book “JESUS,” I have been reading in it. I have another book besides, “Knowing God’s Will and Doing it” by J. Grant Howard. But it does not hold my attention as much as the other book.
There are three verses in this particular chapter I have read before. Matthew 26:27, 1st Corinthians 4:11, 2nd Corinthians 12:10. Remembering the pains which I continually suffered, I was often reminded of the words in the Bible – “thorn in the flesh.” I knew there was a connection with these words and my physical condition. It is clearer to me now.
I have observed an interesting new game. Example: Within, I am quiet, at peace. Then I am reminded through a conversation with Ruth about the word “KEY.” No sooner did it reach my ears, my heart started beating faster. Well, you know the physical changes that come with inner excitement. (Mutti would frequently misplace her keys and quickly panic if she did not find them right away.)
It is normal that with everyone, according to situations – thoughts come and go. But what happens to me, I don’t like and want to change in the most urgent way. As soon as I notice this (inner turmoil and anxiety), I immediately take the book. No sooner does my eye read a few words – just those that “hit the spot”, I feel the PRESENCE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT. The whole thing is like a miracle each time. But I KNOW IT IS GOD’S MIRACLE AND I PRAISE THE LORD.
With my emotion “PATIENCE” I have much homework to do. Because of lack of patience, I have created many terrible situations for myself. Psalm 40:1.
God has a purpose for all His holdups. “The steps of a good man are ordered of the Lord.” Psalm 37:23. Daily experiences are coming in so fast, I have a hard time to catch my breath.
I like this pretty little card which Lynda sent me the last time, PARTNERSHIP WITH GOD IS . . . . NEVER NEEDING TO WALK ALONE! She is an invisible messenger of the Lord. The Holy Spirit is just pouring through me and all over me as I said this.
Watch for the stamp – on one of the next letters – with “JESUS” on it in GOLDEN LETTERS. (Most “likely the stamp was a gift from Lynda to Mutti). Please return the little card again. I keep filling my BEING UP WITH REMINDERS – like a man buys lots of gasoline. ALWAYS, “fill it up!”
About half an hour ago, I had an experience – so WONDERFUL – absolutely BREATHTAKING. I felt like standing on top of the Statue of Liberty and telling the whole world about it. NOW PLEASE LISTEN CAREFULLY, because it is one of the most unimportant things that really happened – not more than a little bird would fly from one branch to another. But it was MIGHTILY IMPORTANT FOR ME OR TO ME.
It was nearing 12 noon – no Marlice! She said last night she would be here at 10:00 a.m. There it was gradually increasing – that certain – well-known, disturbing that peace feeling in my heart. Phone Vons? (Marlice worked at this supermarket as a checker). Find out if she came to work? PATIENCE – “PATIENCE,” the Lord said, “Don’t let yourself get trapped (by anxiety).” I listened TO HIM.
HOW DO YOU THINK I FELT WHEN AT 12:30 the doorbell rang? I don’t have to tell you. YOU KNOW! I’m learning – I HAVE A LOT TO LEARN. I could assume that is why the LORD IS LETTING ME STAY HERE – yet.
And what happiness – now to be able to share all these glad tidings with Marlice. I can celebrate today. ONE WEEK EXACTLY HAS PASSED (since Mutti threw her prescription drugs into the garbage) – WITH THE LORD’S help PRAISE THE LORD. HALLELUIAH!
I am not carrying a nine-month baby. I have been carrying this baby since I was a baby. IF EVER – all this I have lived through should be published – to help others, the title could very well be, “THE BIRTH OF A SOUL.” How about it Dr. Laue???
Author’s note to his readers: Mutti asks in a previous page, not included in this manuscript, if she should send me copies of all her and my previous letters, to be included in some future book. Mutti always made carbon copies of all her letters.
This might be possible one day because of that SEED OF PURE LOVE THAT THE LORD HAS PLANTED IN YOUR HEART. AS YOU SHARE THIS LOVE, it’s like watering a rare plant. It grows and grows. That’s what is HAPPENING NOW. The Holy Spirit is confirming the TRUTH.
My first monetary investment was $2.35 – for the batch of letters which Marlice mailed this morning. Were it not for this happy ending, I would have destroyed them. You were not supposed to read them because I wrote some when I was in great pain. I had to use dark colors as a contrast to paint a beautiful picture. PRAISE THE LORD.
ONE DAY AT A TIME – PATIENCE – little Jo. “When we learn to wait for our Lord’s leading, we shall know the strength that finds its CLIMAX IN AN EVEN, steady walk. Many of us are lacking in the strength we so covet. But God gives full power for every task HE appoints. Waiting, holding oneself true to HIS LEAD – this is the secret of strength. And anything that falls out of the line of obedience is a waste of time and strength. Watch for HIS leading. I quote again, ‘In waiting, I waited for the Lord.’” (Isaiah 40:1)
I felt the expense of mailing the letters was well and wisely spent. The above longer paragraph is from today’s, August 16th “Streams in the Desert.” I started with “When we learn, etc.”
The Living Bible explains the Psalm and verses much more in detail – and so heart-warming? There again, I am at a loss for words.
Very early this morning, it was about 6: a.m., my fingers were a little more steady and I ventured to try signing my name and write out a check. PRAISE THE LORD, IT WORKED – NOT TOO GOOD, but I could get away with it. I could even balance my check book, although it’s anything but good-looking. As long as I can read it, I thought.
In a little while I expect Ruth. We intend to go to the bank together to give her the opportunity to sign checks also. Have to fill out a card. You know how it works. That’s all I intend to do today.
Today you are in Durango; can well imagine you both as happy grandparents. I always stumble over that word and spell it wrong.
Next week I made an appointment with Dr. Nyberg to check my left eye – time has a way of moving. How I will get there I don’t know; but with the Lord’s help I will.
Will take this letter along this afternoon on my way to the bank. You should have it by Wednesday or Thursday. Meanwhile I will call you. I just love to call you. But if and when I do it often, I have to limit the time a bit that the bill doesn’t get too high. You understand.
Tomorrow – Saturday it’s been a week that THE LORD SENT YOU TO RESCUE ME. PRAISE THE LORD. MY AIM in life – YOUR LIFE – lived the fullest. Both of you, you my dear Rebekah, are a part of Peter. THE HOLY SPIRIT IS UPON ME while I think these thoughts and I KNOW – I FEEL – the power and LOVE OF OUR HEAVENLY FATHER. PRAISE THE LORD.
(The presence of the Holy Spirit became a life-giving, abundant and real part of Mutti’s life, especially during the last years of her life. The above prayer, familiar to many, was sandblasted into an oak cabinet door that is now in our Upper Room guest apartment, – Peter’s note)
Sunday afternoon, August 18th, 1985
My dear Dr. Laue and Mrs. Rebekah Laue,
Peter, should the word “Mrs.” be a part of the ADDRESS?
TRUSTING instead of “RUNNING.” In God’s almighty, invincible strength, consciously REFUSE to RETREAT. GOD HONORS THAT KIND OF FAITH!
Something became clearer and clearer to me, as I have times, when I seem to be stumbling into the valley; and the after-effects are certain to begin to be very visible. “Don’t, DON’t continue the habit of rehashing it in a letter or any conversation,” I thought. Instead take a book or read one of the Psalms – like I did today.
As I just think of the 27th Psalm, the Holy Spirit has verified that I am right – even to type it as I felt prompted to do at present. And I have to PRAISE THE LORD for fulfilling my wish so that I can read and dwell in the places of the most HIGH.
Like I ca – what happened just now was a reason to PRAISE THE LORD CONTINUALLY. When I typed the word “CAN,” the ribbon got stuck. My first thought was, “Don’t Panic.” I was able to fix it, PRAISE THE LORD. An Angel was helping me. I can’t explain how I could do it. (Author’s note: since Mutti’s right hand was crippled and only allowed her to use one finger, many tasks were either very difficult or often impossible.)
What I typed today is in the book “Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back, Persevering through Pressure” by C.R. Swindoll – chapter 10, FEAR: Fierce Grip of Panic. He refers mostly to Psalms 34 and 27. I will repeat what David had on his heart: “One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord, and to meditate in His temple. Psalm 27:4. For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle; In the secret place of His tent he will hide me; He will lift me up on a rock.” Psalm 27:5. All that – ALL that – ALL THAT replaces fear with confidence.
There is no pill in the world – that could do this for me – and as I can visualize my enemies now resting in the garbage pail (all prescription drugs), to be carried to the dump tomorrow, I have to PRAISE THE LORD over and over again.
EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR GOOD FOR THEM WHO LOVE THE Lord – be it a conversation with you – or thinking about what I read – or praising the Lord for letting Ruth put the new ribbon in my typewriter yesterday. There is so much more – and then, at such a time – forgotten are the pains in my gums and all nerves are on vacation.
It is now 3:15. There was a short ring. I did not take the receiver off the hook, remembering the signal. This is how the Lord makes His presence known to me.
In-between I did something else – unimportant – but coming back to the typewriter is like speaking to you again. When I think of some of the things you tell me – although I do not apply everything at the time, what I don’t, remains in my memory bank. Peter, PTL for “standing by” me.
Whereas a few hours ago I was nothing but one aching nerve, now I feel like a child of God and am under His protection. STEP by STEP. These changes are so enormous. I began now finally to feel the impact and truth about “I AM THE LORD THAT HEALETH THEE.”
(Mutti asked me, her son Peter, to have prescription size pads of the above made for her. She used them to give healing and encouraging words to friends and family.)
I said it so often and saw it in writing on your little prescription pads. Now the words are becoming actually ALIVE. Many words I saw in print or heard, just had no inner, deeper meaning for me – sounds, little express trains! This is now subtly changing – and when I see the words, “CONTINUE IN MY WORD,” I can do something with the thought.
I am in kindergarten, GOD’S. There is a new consciousness awakening in me – without the suffering and the past – all this never would have happened. I am so overanxious to share my new world with Ruth.
Most likely I will not call again today, PRAISE THE LORD, for there is another tomorrow – and when there isn’t anymore – there will be a new awakening. PTL.
As I turned the page, I thought that as much as nature needs the rain, as much do I have to reach out and speak to you. The expense of a call, stationery and postage is well spent.
It is a very warm day. I tried to get a breeze from a rotating fan, but instead, lying in bed, I became restless. The thought immediately came into my mind, “PEACE I GIVE UNTO YOU, NOT AS THE WORLD KNOWS IT, BUT MY PEACE.” I was able to relax then. I wish I had someone to talk to in God’s language – but I have. JESUS – HE LISTENS, HE HEARS, HE ANSWERS.
Peter, dear Peter, my window in my bedroom remains open lately. I have no fear or waver in my thoughts, “Should I or shouldn’t I?” I feel a new spirit of protection as if God’s angels were stationed around the house, watching over me. I never felt that way before. Fear immobilizes, it also intimidates. It wrecks everything in its path – health, everything. “The Lord is my light and salvation; Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the defense of my life; whom shall I dread?” Psalm 27:1. Please Peter, just now read Psalm 34:4,6,8.
In this spirit my thoughts and prayers often go out to Helmut. To know him instantly healed would be one of the most wonderful gifts the Lord could give me. I would gladly suffer physical pain if it were necessary that he would be healed quickly.
Instead of phoning again, I want to tell you that you have been sent by God to help and heal me. I had to take a lot of suffering to get to the point where I am now. Imagine – even if shortly before the train leaves, FREEDOM, FREEDOM no FEAR, NO PAIN. “Cast your burden upon the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” Psalm 55:22. I am to release the fears, because I know GOD HEARS and will take the fear.
Today I have to tell you that this book I am reading was also written just for me. It has 12 chapters, 1. Perseverance 2. Misunderstanding 3. Stress. 4. Loss 5. Impossibilities 6. Waiting 7. Temptation 8.Mistakes 9. Inferiority 10. FEAR (which I read today) 11. ANGER 12. Defection. Have you the book at home? It costs $4.95 (soft cover). I am trying not to make unnecessary expenditures – but if I should make an exception and send you the book, I will do so.
From the Epilogue: Some final reflections on persevering. “The reason so many people are unhappy today and seeking help to cope with life is that they fail to understand what human existence is all about. Until we recognize that life is not just something to be enjoyed but rather is a T A S K that each of us is assigned, we’ll never find meaning in our lives and will never be truly happy.”
From another paragraph, “Because life is a task, we need strength to face it, not speed to run from it. When the foundation shakes, when Christian friends – even the LEADERS – are immoral and falling into apostasy, when the bottom drops out and brutal blows attempt to pound us into the corner of doubt and unbelief, we NEED WHAT PERSERVERANCE OFFERS: willingness to accept whatever comes, strength to face it head-on, determination to stand firm, and insight to see the Lord’s hand in all. Without it, we stumble and fall. And God is grieved. With it, we survive and conquer. And God is glorified. We also rejoice in our suffering. (Why?) because we know that suffering produces perseverance, character; and character, hope (Romans 5:3-5). From the K.J.V.” If you have The Living Bible please read the same thing because it is expressed more beautifully.
It is 6:50 – I had intended to just mail this one letter tomorrow, but there is something else I would like to talk to you about. If I should change my mind, I can always say, “to be continued.”
Monday morning – August 19th, 1985
It was a little after 5 a.m. when I decide to read the enclosed letter over.
I just read in the book, which you have, dear Rebekah, “The Prayer Life” by Andrew Murray on page 109, Wholeheartedness, at the end of the chapter, the following words caught and kept my attention: “YE SHALL SEEK ME, AND FIND ME, when ye shall search for me with all your heart. WHEN YE SHALL SEARCH FOR ME WITH ALL YOUR HEART (Jeremiah 29:13).
It touches the innermost being of my heart when I read, “It is the great work of the Holy spirit in us willing and to enable us to seek God with the whole heart.” I feel how we are all lined together in a strong invisible bond. The Holy Spirit is with me and I think God. My heart reaches out with deep gratitude to all of you who help me to wake up. The price? I can now pay it more easily. I have already paid some of my debts – but there are more left. My thoughts reach not only those who have helped me over the mountain-top, but also those who held my hand when I was to be in the valley, stumbling.
I can’t help but ask myself, “How could I have lived for over 86 years without waking up – more?” There had been once in a while short intervals – when I was permitted to take a peek from the mountain-top. Like a soldier being trained for combat – is it called “boot camp?” Regardless, you know what I want to say.
Last week I was looking for a certain poem. Ever since I was a young girl, I was drawn to poems of inspiration, about God and Love, like I was drawn to people who loved God with all their heart and soul. As I held my old worn-out book of treasures in my hands, some were dated back for over thirty years – some pages were yellow from age – I had the feeling as if many little lights were lighting up again. Poems Papa wrote were in that book, also poems from Sonja. I saved all these. I read them over and over again – EVERYTHING AND MUCH MORE. But to PRAY, LIKE I HAVE LEARNED RECENTLY – consciously – that I DID NOT KNOW. NOT CONSCIOUSLY, as I am being inwardly led to do now.
About 8:00 a.m. It is unimportant – but it is all in a day’s work. The garbage pail had to be brought out. I just returned from the garage – praising the Lord – because – I didn’t need to take a cane along. I CAN FIND REASONS TO KEEP ON PRAISING THE LORD; if I can’t – I have stumbled. One wrong thought is like turning off the light – one click – on or off – makes the difference. When the musician presses the black keys on the great organ, the music is as sweet as when he touches the white ones; but to get the capacity of the instrument, he must touch them all.
MANY MEN OWE THE GRANDEUR OF THEIR LIVES TO THEIR TREMENDOUS DIFFICULTIES. C.S. SPURGEON.
Tuesday afternoon, August 20, 1985
Every day around noon-time I am especially restless. My heart beats faster and the gums hurt more. I have experienced this since a few days. I have tried everything. One thing I feel inclined to do is the most detrimental, that is to creep under the bed covers. I don’t last long there because I get easily nauseated – so out of bed again!
The best remedy, the surest way to get relief is to type a letter. It does not necessarily have to be to you – but it must be to some who loves the Lord or – at least, I feel is a Christian. It is not hard to guess why this is the remedy. Especially writing you brings me often the feeling of having the Holy Spirit come into me. Another remedy is to read in God’s book and study some verses. A little while ago the word “Grace” came into my mind. I looked up the word in the concordance where there’s a list of connections with the Word. Still – there is a mystery about it involved for me. “Grace” is a very special unexpected Gift of the Lord. Then, feeling the Presence of the Holy Spirit could be considered being under “Grace.” That’s what I think.
I asked Marlice at noon what she felt was being under “Grace.” She wasn’t too sure about accepting my point of view on it. Namely, I said, “When for hours the physical problems and negative thoughts rob you of your sleep – to accept it – completely – would it be that I am also under “Grace?” To love the Lord all the time, whether He sends rain or sunshine.” I know we need both.
My instrument is getting fine-tuned – tuned so fine – that there are moments when I just think of the Lord and of the word “Glorify” – immediately it happens – the Holy Spirit comes upon me. In the concordance I counted 50 different places referring to “glory.” Just now I opened the hope chest because I knew there was a card tucked at the top in your handwriting, “Lord, let Your Glory be revealed through Mutti.” AMEN.
As I cannot stop thinking, I have to be conscious of my thoughts all the time, to think of something good, positive.
It’s so quiet outside; it seems like a Holiday – everything is resting, not even a breeze is making the leaves move. But is it warm! And I am tired again. It is easy to see that weak people reach out for a pill to quiet them down – and then another and another – and the price they pay is so enormous. They pay with their life. A precious life.
After I actually sink into bed, like a sack of potatoes – as the expression goes, I don’t last there very long – 10, 15 minutes and I am up again.
Ruth tries her very best by bringing me all kinds of nourishing food – and then some.
I hardly think that there is anything I can do, but let go and let God. It is due to an inborn instinct that I keep going, “self-preservation” – you understand. As long as I have some work to do here, the Lord will not call for me.
I just read a long chapter in Papa’s (Peter’s Dad) own handwriting – his prayer for me. I did not take it out of my blue book where I have kept treasures for over thirty years and more. Everything I saved and treasure is along the same thought – LOVE, in every way to spread it and share it.
One little poem I want to copy. It is a bit on the humorous side.
MORE OR LESS
A little more stooped as the years go by;
A little less fire in the bright blue eye –
(It should say, “in the bright brown eye”)
A little less sure of what’s to be;
A little less ready to wait and see.
A little more patient as we go along;
A little less certain that the other man’s wrong.
A little less ready to take than give;
We’re about through living when we learn to live.
With today’s mail I received a card from Lynda. Just to see her beautiful handwriting and to know of our mutual love for the Lord, and for each other, made me happy. It could be that we have been pen-pals for way over two years. Sometimes she just signs the card with “Your Hidden Angel.” She is a friend of Peter since many years. It was the first time today, as I held the envelope from her in my hands, that I felt the PRESENCE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT – and IT DID NOT LEAVE ME FOR THE ENTIRETY THAT I READ HER MESSAGE. Here it is:
“Praise God, Jo Jo for the miracle! I praise Him with you! I am so very happy you let go and let God. I am so very thankful, your body seems to be functioning now. I pray it has continued and you are feeling better daily as you get these toxins (variety of prescription drugs) out of your body. I just pray now your gums will be better and heal well in time. You were so excited about your book about the miracle ministry of Dr. John G. Lake, that you forgot to tell me the name! Take care and remember I am praising God with you for the miracles in your life. All my love, Lynda.”
She has a beautiful handwriting – which matches her soul. We have never met. But she knows me quite well. I have written her during the months many a letter and sent her photostats or copies of letters that were worthwhile reading. Lynda loves Peter and Rebekah very dearly. That is how Lynda and I met – because of Peter. In all those months I received many a gift of love from Lynda. She had a way of surprising me with something I always enjoyed. So many things – one day we will meet – perhaps in Heaven – in spirit.
Some time ago I sent you the enclosed snapshot. It was foolish for me to put on the back of the snapshot “please return.” I am now returning it again because it really belongs amongst your memories. Think – as you see Johnny – and picture him as a married man. (Author’s note: Johnny is my youngest son. He was married on December 29, 1985. His wife’s name is Lisa. As of now, today, June 3, 2012, he has given us five grandchildren – one of them, Andrea, recently married.)
There are so many things that I wish I could give you now. If the Lord lets me stay a while longer, we might see each other end of December for the wedding. I often doubt it because I am kind of shaky on my legs – and it’s not all that easy often. I will hold still and let God’s will be done. With God, everything is possible.
I have been reading very much in the book from Swindoll. You will enjoy it; and I am sure you will suggest that your friends read it. I have so many wonderful books.
What Barbara said is so true. “Our God is a good God,” – that HE ALLOWED ME TO RETAIN MY EYESIGHT. Remember, I said so often – to retain it – be able to see – would be my greatest wish. It isn’t my greatest at present. – that is to be totally – always living in such a way – that I know I am doing the Lord’s will.
See, dear Peter, it is always a sign of getting tired – when I cannot express my thoughts in the right way – and turn and twist my sentences around. For sure, if it is the Lord’s will also – I will speak to you again this week. On Friday, I expect Ruth’s visit. She is meanwhile preparing all kinds of food for me.
Many things are flashing through my mind. It has to do with FAITH – of what I am thinking. At the end of Chapter 5 I read, “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” Chapter 5 dealt with IMPOSSIBILITIES.
Tomorrow is the first time I will go out alone to Dr. N. (eye surgeon and R. W. (dentist). I will be called for at the front door – brought to the Dr.’s office – and then called for later when I call them to pick me up. I am kind of shaky about it. Not the being alone – but the talking and excitement involved. If only I could stay calm.
I will call it a day – typing and thinking – and - - - in the back of my mind still worrying. OH LORD, WERE IS MY FAITH: I have LOTS OF FAITH, MORE THAN EVER BEFORE, BUT NOT ENOUGH. Isn’t there something in the Bible, “O ye, of little faith?” I will pray for strength to have more and more faith, faith to have faith is the opposite of being fearful, and perfect love casteth out fear.
It’s about 7 p.m. Marlice will be here after work. It will be 10:30 – and she will leave shortly after she comes. Just a hug.
Much Love = Mutti
Author’s note: Many of Mutti’s letters were written but not mailed. They are not addressed to anyone in particular. These letters more than any others express the battle of a woman who is longing to be set free from her earthly garment and go home to be with Jesus. The following letter dated November 29, 1985 is one of her last but not mailed letters. It is incomplete and was not signed.
I’m suffering. Have been up all night and taking what I thought would bring relief. It’s worse. Will I be released soon? I have a problem to breathe. My hands are so cold and I have trouble, lots of trouble to breathe the little I need. For a short time, maybe it was a minute, I had another vision. Like real. Sweeping what was dirt on the floor and another scene. Expecting someone. Is the world of SPIRIT GETTING NEARER? Holy Spirit, COME, COME – BUT WHEN YOU DO – STAY WITH ME. IT CAN’T RAIN DIAMONDS ALL THE TIME. JESUS, I WILL CALL YOUR NAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL YOU HEAR ME BECAUSE I AM ALSO CALLING WITH MY ENTIRE SOUL.
I’m out of bed to escape the stinging pain. I was trying to find the verse you spoke to Nati about – SATAN – to be free – couldn’t at present. “Satan – is it because it’s yet dark that you want to be so powerful and destroy the coming in of the HOLY SPIRIT?”
Will try it in bed again and say JESUS, PRAISE JESUS, WELCOME LORD UNTIL,
At about 5 I could have some stool, but this morning it was not enough to take the pressure of pain away. I have to wait for EVERYTHING in life, also stool. I’m so tied up – and such a baby. How otherwise am I learning so slow or slow to comprehend or slow to apply or slow to change and get rid of FEAR, ANXIETY, SELF-WILL AND ALL THAT CRABBY STUFF THAT IS PART OF WHAT WANTS TO KILL ME – physically. WITH THE VISIONS, maybe it’s a good sign – and the floor I am trying to sweep clean?
16 ounces of cold apple juice mixed with water and Hydrocyl just went down my throat. BUT WHAT HAS GRIPPED ME, HAS ITS chains around me. BLESSED LORD JESUS CHRIST, SAVIOR, LORD, HEAVENLY FATHER OF THE UNIVERSE, EVEN I SAID MY HUSAND WHO IS MY LORD AND MY EVERYTHING. SO I WENT ALMOST NUTS TRYING TO NOT LET ONE SINGLE THOUGHT THREATEN THE CONTINUITY OF THESE HOLY NAMES.
AND IT WORKED. AFTER A FEW MINUTES, I FELT A LESSENING OF THE PHYSICAL PRESSURE AND PAIN AND NOW I REALIZE THAT I WANT TO KEEP IT UP – obey – HIS LAW AND BELIEVE. TRY TO BELIEVE, BELIEVE AND AGAIN BELIEVE AND ACCEPT –
WHAT WASN’T so for over 75 years or more isn’t the easiest. Take Nati, she is a child against me, young in years – but when aroused through me – my behavior, her eyes light up like two candles start glowing in the dark. And PRAISE THE LORD, I JUST SPOKE THE TRUTH. It became instantly verified because like a flood the HOLY SPIRIT CAME OVER ME.
Our being thrown together these days will be of great necessity for her life later on. This was a MUST – ordained already since the beginning of creation – our now being together. Praise the Lord –
because this is TRUTH AND GOLD – raining gold and stars from Heaven. Even the goose had to be created which she has now sitting at the table in the dining room. The goose is too big and majestic for my taste. But I am not the only pebble on the beach.
Tomorrow is December. Will I see you – YET – or from above?” It’s up to JESUS – because HIS WILL IS DONE, HAS BEEN DONE SINCE CREATION, SINCE ALL ETERNITY. I will try to warm up in bed now – with JESUS, PRAISE JESUS ON MY LIPS, SPILLED OUT FROM MY HEART, BECAUSE MY HEART IS FULL OF LOVE FOR THE LORD JESUS CHRIST, WHOSE PURE BLOOD MADE IT POSSIBLE THAT MY SINS WERE WASHED AWAY.
November 29th, 1985
I’m cold – hands are so cold and my eyes don’t keep dry long enough for me to see what I have to. I type by feeling mostly. I’m getting old – I never was really young. I never could sing – just had no voice – enough to praise the LORD IN SONG LIKE NATI HAS, or Sylvia Hedlund.
A new day – Jo Ann WANTS TO COME IN THE AFTERNOON. NATI HAS INVITED MY BITSY AND NOEL TODAY. I feel at times as if a whip is lashing down on my back trying to tell me to HURRY UP. Then my heart races at the same time. I drool the saliva out of dry lips to make them dryer, drier. What a chop-suey of a letter. It is beginning to get lighter outside and the diamonds are still shining – I can hardly wait for the HEAVENS TO OPEN UP AND RECEIVE THEM AND RECEIVE ME, AND I PRAY TO BE WORTHY OF HIS GLORIOUS PRESENCE WHEN I DO COME. HOLY SPIRIT, ALL I ASK FOR NOW IS YOUR HOLY PRESENCE.
Friday evening, November 29th, 1985
On my desk, my dear Peter, is your letter of November 26th, which arrived at noon. I shared it with Nati, my wingless angel. I looked for new strength in its contents. Yes, at different moments, I was touched and my heart went out in thankfulness to the Lord that I am not alone at the end of this battle. Then suddenly the mood changes. The feelings come and go like lightning and my throat is dry from swallowed tears, drying out every drop of saliva.
The battle is hard – very hard. To help me in my struggles, Nati copied in large letters for me from John 14:15-16. “IF YOU LOVE ME, OBEY ME, AND I WILL ASK THE FATHER AND HE WILL GIVE ME A COMFORTER, AND HE WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU. He is the Holy Spirit, and the Spirit who leads into all truth.” Holy Spirit, YOU COME AND GO LIKE MAGIC.
And then Nati gave me Romans 8:15-16 to read – to help me along when despondency comes along. It comes like lightning – despite. I am reading the same in all my Bibles – it is a struggle of life and death – of self and the Holy Spirit. I am in a room at present. Who has locked the door? I am searching for the key. All reading sometimes seems as if an express train is just whizzing by. I am so ready –
I’ve done a lot of wobbling around during the last hours and my carpet is proof. It looks worn and the stains on it are many. It is at present Saturday, November 30th. I made many trips since I went to bed at about 8 p.m. last night. It is now 1 a.m. My heart is beating so fast as if I just won the Marathon race.
In three little pictures I recall the visions. Is the world of spirit coming nearer??? The long-haired girls, the little white pillows? I think I shared them with Papa.
I was more tired yesterday and could lie in bed at more intervals – even though for just shorter periods. Every change is welcome, combining it with hope – for a reason.
Seeing the glittering raindrops on the bushes, I call them God’s diamonds. Every time I see them, the Holy Spirit is there also. It was pouring for hours and hours.
I WANT TO LOVE YOU LORD JESUS CHRIST AND THEREFORE WANT TO OBEY John 14:17. And then the Romans come – you know, the tempters – and the war is on and my heart is proof that I am racing within to finish the race. Your dreamy letters, my letters sound so unreal against yours. But I am not so real anymore. Or maybe more so. Anyway, that’s the way I am.
I only know that I met an angel in the disguise of Nati – who has created the 26 inch goose and I don’t like it. It has just too much personality. It’s so overpowering.
You can sense the turmoil within my breast when your eyes glance at all this typed mish-mash, this chopped-suey. How can I sleep when I am on the race tracks?
I am glad that my letters made you also put on a different thinking cap at times. It’s no doubt the same old battle – like Romans 8. It’s human while my heart is still beating. I don’t want it to, but it does.
It is Saturday, November 30 – and it brings different new changes along. I am so tired. Will I go home soon? HOW SOON? Whose face will be the last one I will see? Maybe the goose sitting at the dinning room table? It wears a bonnet now. I do sound kind of mixed up at present, don’t I? I not only think so, I know so.
Today I will pray and pray more and more and more for the Holy Spirit. Remember, dear Peter, against you and Nati I am still in my baby-shoes and started school at an old, old age. Not like you or Nati. There is so much now to catch up in order to graduate. Can I make it? Nati assures me if the Lord can raise the dead, HE CAN HELP ME TO DO ANYTHING – I want to believe it. Maybe I can or have been able to skip a few classes. I recall what you told Nati over the phone. I will ask her tomorrow morning which verse it was. About the binding of the evil spirits, etc. In the name of JESUS CHRIST – “GET OUT OF HERE – OUT OF MY LIFE, I PRAY.” One evil spirit finally disappears, two new ones appear or maybe more and try to overpower me.
Author’s note: This is Mutti’s last letter. The melody in her heart which she expressed so abundantly through the keys on her typewriter fell forever silent after she wrote these words. The mailing envelope was addressed to Peter and Rebekah Laue.
I attended the wedding of my son John on December 29 and that is when I saw Mutti for the last time. Here is a copy of the very last letter she wrote to us and that we received shortly before I left for California to attend my son’s wedding.
Monday, 9:00 a.m. December 16, 1985
I am praying that the heavenly regions will send an army of angels to be on guard, watching over you as you travel; and that angels will also be with Rebekah at home watching and taking care of her and giving her strength to pray for your safe return and for strength to fulfill God’s assignment.
Read Ephesians 6:17. “The Word of God which is the sword of the Spirit.” I relived your conception and the Holy Spirit came over me as He does now as I write. I saw you holding the sword high above your head. You were so large and shining in your silver armor as you held the sword over your head.
Praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. Praise Jesus Christ. Praise our heavenly Father. Mutti
(Author’s note: After sharing Mutti’s last letter with our friend Leslie Marie, the Holy Spirit gave her this inspired poem. The poem is included in the story: My Secret Garden, available via our web site: www.stretcherbearers.com
The Knight in Silver Armor|
On the night of his conception,
The night he came to be;
The lady had a vision
God unveiled her eyes to see.
A glimpse into the future,
Which was hard to comprehend,
As it glowed with ancient chivalry,
Times when knights still knew the land.
She knew within her gentle heart
A son she soon would bear.
He would have a quest in life,
Would be noble, would be fair.
This simple, sweet soul vision
God in time proved true.
She loved her little knight of silver,
Watched and wondered as he grew.
The knight in silver armor
Through tribulations came,
Victorious and praising God,
Filled with the Holy Spirit,
Conquering in Jesus’ Name.
His King is the almighty King,
The standard he holds high
As he proudly fights the holy wars,
Allelulia is his battle cry.
Guiding lost wayfarers now
To the palace of the King.
Comforting and teaching those
Whose spirits had felt Satan’s sting.
One day a frightened woman
Sought him out for she had seen
A silver bar above his head
In the glowing of his living beam.
He told her to take comfort,
That her seeing was of God,
And confirmation of a vision
Was given through the “seeing” of the silver rod.
Thanks to the lovely lady,
Mother of the silver knight,
Who released me from a prison
And brought my “seeing” to the light.
I will love and honor you forever. In God’s appointed time we will see each other again. The legacy of your life is forever recorded in my heart. Through this tribute it will reach into other hearts. Many will be able to finish their race with dignity and leave a legacy of victory for their children and grandchildren.
Your son Peter